To the Ones Who Didn't Save Me... but Never Left

I haven’t written

on this site in a long time.

Life’s been lifin’.

I’ve been going through a lot

—mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

The kind of

“a lot”

that don’t come

with a warning or a roadmap.

And somewhere

in the middle of it all,

I realized

I’d been holding onto

some deep,

quiet resentment.

Not towards the world…

but towards

the men in my life.

The ones

I’ve always leaned on.

The ones

I’ve trusted.

I found myself secretly wishing

—hoping—

that one of them

would just

show up

and

save me.

Like,

really step up

and

take the lead

in my life.

Make things easier.

Take the weight off.

Be the place

for me

to land for once.

I wanted

what I’ve seen them give

to other women.

(I'm speaking mothers, sisters, daughters, etc.)

That safe space.

That ride or die energy.

That

“I got you, no matter what”

kind of love.

But they didn’t save me.

None of them did.

And that used to hurt.

But here's the truth

—

they never left me alone either.

Not really.

They were always there…

in their own way.

Maybe not front and center.

Maybe not

how I wanted them to be.

But still,

they were there.

And now

that I’m coming out of the fog

a little bit,

I can see clearly

what I couldn’t see before.

It wasn’t the cuddling.

It wasn’t

the memories of making love

or

all the laughter we shared.

What I value more than all of that?

The strength they gave me.

The knowledge they left me with.

The survival tools

I didn’t even know they passed on.

They may not have carried me

—

but they helped me

build the "muscle" I needed

to carry myself.

So yeah,

I’ve been mad.

But I’ve also been made.

And I was made with pieces of them

—

those solid,

street-smart,

emotionally complex,

quietly loyal men

who taught me more

than they probably even know.

To the thugs in my life…

The ones who stayed true

to the code

even when they didn’t have to

—

you have

my loyal love forever.

I will always

be grateful for y’all.

Even when I had to walk alone,

I was never truly alone.

And for that?

Forever love.

Forever respect.

Forever

Reina Dee. 🕊️